10 things parents are doing to exasperate their children in 2024
What is the goal of parenting?
To raise children who become self-sufficient adults who are decent human beings. Self-sufficient meaning they can manage their own emotions, provide for their own needs, and live in mutually beneficial relationships with others.
Self sufficiency is a pre-requisite for any level of control in your life. Read an article here about healthy forms of control.
What is the goal of childhood?
To learn how to be a self-sufficient adult who is a decent human being. See definition of self-sufficient above.
If Parents and kids are pursuing the same goal why do so many folks experience parenting as a battle?
Often times the battles occur when what the parent tells the child is the right way to behave or live is out of alignment with what the child sees modeled by the parents. This form of hypocrisy will often exasperate children because it is both confusing and because the child is ill equipped to discuss their confusion with their parents.
The child’s confusion and inability to communicate their confusion leads to conflict.
The consequences of losing our way in parenting?
As someone who spends a lot of time with families, parents, and kids, calm and comfortable childhoods can leads to chaotic and challenging teen years which can produce confused and incapable adults.
Your kids would never tell you that you are exasperating them, mostly because they don’t know what the word means, but also because of #8 below. Parents, when you lose focus on the goal of raising self-sufficient decent human beings, you are exasperating your kids. Exasperate means to irritate and frustrate someone intensely.
What are 10 things you are doing that exasperate (frustrate) your children?
1.You have a fragmented personal relationship with Christ (or your spirituality)
Check in question: What are you spiritual habits and how regularly do you practice them?
Three exasperating actions
You don’t have your own spiritual habits so your children won’t ever catch you interacting with God.
You don’t prioritize church attendance so all forms of worship feel optional.
You aren’t part of a community of believers. Its not that you can only have Christian friends but your kids need to experience you spending time with other Christians and talking about the journey to maturity.
Three alternative actions
Establish and practice your own spiritual habits (prayer, scripture reading, worship).
Prioritize going to church and bring your family with you.
Join a group, start a group. Where you can learn from others and share your own progress the journey towards spiritual maturity.
Support Resource: Study Bible
2. You live a distracted life
Check in question: When was the last time you spent a meal as a family (or a car ride) without technology?
Three exasperating actions
You don’t engage in free play with your kids or encourage them to free play on their own.
You don’t demonstrate how to be away from your device for an extended period of time.
You give your kid a smart phone with social media before they are ready (research says at least 14 years of age)
Three alternative actions
Establish phone free moments or rituals (meals or a day of the week or a time of day).
STOP texting and driving I do informal surveys of the people who pass me on the roadway and sometimes it is a shockingly high number of people on their phones YOU aren’t that important.
Stop asking questions that end in fine. Create opportunities for conversation so distraction becomes less convenient.
Support Resource: Ruthless Elimination of Hurry or the Doing Life Together Podcast
3.You don’t demonstrate how to have fun without alcohol
Check in question: When was the last time you had an alcohol-free party?
Three exasperating actions
You tell your kids not to drink and drive but you justify your own decision by saying “It was just a couple beers at dinner.”
You tell your kids they don’t need to drink to have fun but every time people come over you end up drinking.
You tell your kids you want to spend time with them but you need to unwind with a beverage before that can happen.
Three alternative actions
Talk to your kids about the dangers of alcohol and how to have a healthy relationship with it.
Have alcohol free parties (often enough that they know fun can happen without alcohol).
Abstain from drinking at children’s events or environments (the zoo, a kids party, Chuck E. Cheese).
Support Resource: Huberman Lab Podcast What alcohol does to your mind, body and health
4.You don’t have a communicated life plan and family goals
Check in question: What are your family goals, does your family know about them and how are you progressing towards them?
Three exasperating actions
Your kids observe you complain constantly about being an adult - “adulting is hard,” “I am just working for the weekend,” “work sucks”.
You live beyond your means (debt) to maintain a standard that isn’t even making you happy.
Your kids have no idea that you have goals, habits that support achievement of your goals, or a plan. They think successful adulting is just waking up everyday and doing stuff.
Three alternative actions
In age-appropriate ways help your kids set and achieve their own goals.
In age-appropriate ways let your kids know what your personal goals/habits are; as well as the goals for your family.
In age-appropriate ways hold your kids accountable for achieving goals (reward success, push them past discomfort, challenge them to set difficult goals).
Support Resource : All Pro Dad Book
5. You don’t tell your kids you are proud of them or YOu love them
Check in question: What are two recent things each of your kids have done that you are proud of? Did you tell them?
Three exasperating actions
You tell your kids everything they do is awesome. Eventually they learn the hard way the world has a different standard of awesome and most of what they do doesn’t meet it.
You never tell your kids anything they do is awesome, so they spend their whole lives trying to earn approval from others.
Your kids only hear they are loved when they perform well.
Three alternative actions
Give your kids chances to succeed at things on their own but don’t prevent them from failing. (Celebrate the attempt and discuss what they learned).
When your kids have success tell them you are proud of them; but also remember to celebrate effort not just accomplishments.
At random moments let your kids know you love them so they figure out pride is based on effort and outcomes but love stands on its own.
Support Resource: Parenting Getting It Right
6. You don’t help your kids learn how to manage conflict
Check in question: Do your kids see/hear healthy conflict including reconciliation?
Three exasperating actions
You only disagree behind closed doors so your kids think good relationships are conflict free.
Your conflicts are unhealthy (name calling, threats, or shaming the other person) so they think conflict should be avoided to avoid the chaos.
You don’t use the phrases “I am sorry” and “I forgive you.”
Three alternative actions
Teach your kids that emotions are healthy but they should be expressed in healthy ways.
Demonstrate healthy conflict resolution including forgiveness and reconciliation.
Teach them the power of creating space (a pause) before reacting to others.
Support Resource: Non-violent Communication.
7.You Don’t Set a good exampe of taking care of yourself
Check in question: What are your self-care habits? How often do you practice them?
Three exasperating actions
You do not live a well rounded healthy life style (physical, mental, spiritual, emotional). You are more than just a little unhealthy in one or more of these areas.
You over prioritize your hobbies or self-care routines over your relationship with your kids or spouse.
You only take care of yourself after a breakdown (reactive self-care not proactive).
Three alternative actions
Proactively take care of your whole self (physical, mental, emotional, spiritual).
Be planful about your hobbies and self-care routines; making them a regular priority but not your #1 priority.
Help your child recognize their own need for self care and encourage them to start setting good habits.
Support Resource: Tim Ferris and Andrew Huberman discussing health protocols
8.You don’t have a good relationship with your spouse
Check in question: When was the last time you had a date night?
Three exasperating actions
You give up your relationship with your spouse and your kids think the world revolves around them.
Your kids don’t know you love your spouse because they never observe or hear it.
Your kids don’t see you working together to manage life together.
Three alternative actions
Establish a date night routine (one night a week/month, one weekend/week a year).
Spend 15 mins a day focused on your spouse.
Express appropriate affection (words, actions) in front of your children.
Support Resource: Lists to Love By (For Him) and List to Love By (For Her)
9. You don’t manage your emotions well
Check in question: What is your personal process for managing your emotions?
Three exasperating actions
You have adult versions of temper tantrums (throwing things, yelling obscenities, over correcting your children).
You don’t acknowledge your own emotions.
You don’t practice well rounded self-care so your kids never see you taking care of your mind.
Three alternative actions
Teach your kids about their emotions by using the words when you experience your own. Teach your kids about triggers.
Demonstrate the power of taking a pause before reacting to situations.
Encourage your child to name their emotions so that you can help them process them.
Support Resource: Connected Life
10. You don’t differentiate your approach to parenting each child
Check in question: If you have more than one child, how do you adjust your parenting to meet the different needs of each one?
Three exasperating actions
You treat each of your children the same.
You live vicariously through your children.
You expect your kids to adjust to your expectations and needs.
Three alternative actions
Help your child explore their uniqueness to set them up for long term success in life and in relationships. Use this tool to help them.
Use what you know about your child to accommodate their unique needs ; not giving away control as the parent but to parent in less disruptive ways.
Encourage your child to figure out their goals and help them chase their dreams.
Support Resource: Three Big Questions Every Teenager Asks
Bonus source of Exasperation: You don’t acknowledge that evil is real
Check in question: When something bad happens do you focus your blame on how awful people are or consider other alternatives including evil.
Three exasperating actions
You cancel people or people groups because of what you see on social media/news
You make broad ranging statements about the motivations, intents of others
You use the word hate regularly
Three alternative actions
Read the Bible and figure out that evil exists (Genesis Chapter 2, Job 1:6-7, John chapter 14, Luke 4:1-11, 2 Cor 4:4 )
Engage with others with empathy and without judgment by asking questions; seeking to understand not prove you are right
Explore your own personal bias (why they exist and if they are helpful)
Support Resource: Screwtape Letters
Don’t forget to check out the Doing Life Together Podcast.
A multigenerational perspective on living your best life or helping others do the same. Available wherever you find podcasts or YouTube @archimpactsstudio or click here