Things I learned about personal boundaries from cattle
Boundaries are essential for raising cattle and for having healthy relationships. Here are some thoughts on boundaries based on observing the cattle adjust to their new boundary and home.
Boundaries will get tested.
One of the first things the cattle did was walk the entire fence line. They figured out where the line was and looked for places to get on the other side. Thankfully, they didn’t find any.
Regarding relationships, people will walk right up to the boundaries you set to test for weak spots like exceptions, inconsistencies, or your unwillingness to enforce them. Be sure your boundaries are well-marked and fully secured.
It’s good to test your own boundaries when something feels off
It turned out that the whole first day, the electric fence was pretty useless. It wasn’t electrified. I thought I had tested it, but my results were a false positive.
My gut insisted something wasn’t right, so I retested it. It wasn’t working. So I adjusted it, and now it’s running.
Reevaluating your personal boundaries is good; you change and evolve, as do your relationships. Yesterday's boundary might not be suitable for who you are today. But, it is only helpful to reevaluate if you are willing to take necessary actions to adjust them as necessary. Evaluation without action is worse than not evaluating at all.
Boundaries are intended to keep both parties safe.
The fence not only keeps the cattle safe from the danger of things like wandering towards the road, but it also keeps us safe from cattle who can get aggressive. Cattle don’t get aggressive out of anger but when startled or afraid. Boundaries keep the cattle safe on their side and us safe on ours.
Your boundaries in relationships are designed to keep you healthy and safe by protecting you from others. But they are also meant to keep others safe from creating situations where you might be startled or afraid and end up hurting the other person
Just because someone breaks through a boundary, it doesn’t mean they are bad
I am confident that if the cattle push beyond the boundary, it will be because they are spooked or curious, not because they are being evil. They aren’t evil creatures.
When others go beyond your boundary, don’t assume they are evil or desire to harm you intentionally. There are plenty of non-evil reasons people break through boundaries.
Even if no evil was intended, the breach shouldn’t be ignored. It’s a reminder to strengthen or recommunicate your boundaries so you don’t get hurt again or find yourself in the same potentially harmful situation in the future.
Boundaries are for safety, not anxiety reduction.
The fence and electricity flowing through it are intended to keep the cattle contained out of harm's way. I didn’t put up the boundary, hoping they would be shocked. I don’t want the cattle to get shocked.
Plus, the fence has five wires attached to wooden posts with staples. Cattle are currently 800 lbs and growing. I don’t believe the fence is an impenetrable force field of safety without any chance of being breached.
With the cattle, I am still occasionally anxious about whether the boundary will be respected or if it will withstand some pressure from the cattle.
If you set a boundary with someone you care about, you won’t stop being concerned about them just because you have set a boundary.
Boundaries don’t prevent anxiety; they provide guidance. If you need more than guidance, you need more than a boundary. Sometimes, more is required, but in most situations, a boundary is enough.
You wouldn’t want to build an impenetrable force field around yourself because if you did, you would lose access to the world and the people in it. A life of isolation is not a healthy life to live. Start with reasonable boundaries and only add more as needed.
“This means you will occasionally feel anxious when you have to hold firm in your boundaries or when someone gets close to them. A bit of anxiety goes a long way toward personal growth, anxiety doesn’t mean the boundary isn’t working. ”
Good boundaries have some intentionally placed openings
The goal of a boundary is an identifiable barrier. But occasionally, you must get on the other side of the barrier or let others get beyond it safely. Gates are great for entering the cattle pasture to do stuff. I have several gates positioned at convenient intervals. I am thankful for the gates.
Make sure your boundary has clearly marked entry points. If people want to engage with you but still respect your boundaries, make it easy to know how to get beyond it safely. If people find it challenging to get beyond your boundaries, they will eventually stop trying.
Conclusion
Boundaries are helpful for healthy relationships and safe cattle farming. Be sure to establish, communicate, and maintain your boundaries, so they achieve their intended objective. Remember, if your boundaries are too strong, you will eventually keep everyone out. The goal of boundaries isn’t to keep people out; it is to maintain health and mutually beneficial relationships.